I have been gifted an amzing gift. A woman who pours godly wisdom and insight into my life once a month. She challenges, stretches, supports…I am forever thankful for her guidance through this grief journey.
This week, it was time for me to recognize the journey I have been on…and where I’m at now. It is also a crucial time to choose which path it takes from here.
When I look at the last 15 months, what I have experienced, where I started and where I am now…it IS quite incredible. The traumatic senseless loss of my precious boy has broken me, shattered me and changed me. But here I stand.
I am not still living in the fog of early soul crushing grief. My burden has been lifted somewhat. I am learning how to live with grief, to allow it to shape me into the person I must become…because I cannot return to life as it was before.
My life demonstrates healing and resiliency. I have not completely healed…and I hope I never do…that I am always broken because of the loss of my boy. But I DO hope that brokenness creates space for life and love outside of myself.
So here I am, a momma who carried a precious boy for 9 months, laboured with love and expectation, only to watch the life slowly seep out of that precious little body. Here I am 26 weeks pregnant with a beautiful gift, a little sibling to two precious big brothers.
Here I am, living in a balance between hope and fear.
But I don’t want the fear to have any place here. Today, and everyday for the next twelve weeks and for the rest of my life, I choose hope over fear.
It’s a choice. I must make it every day. And I will.
There isn’t time to wait until tomorrow. If I don’t feel like it today, the fear wins.
Fear and death have no place here, they will not win.
This baby deserves to be celebrated and expected with all the joy any new life brings. I deserve to celebrate this baby as if I don’t know the pain of loss.
“Return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.” Zechariah 9:12.
I return. I submit to the discipline of hope, I will allow myself to be taken prisoner by HOPE. And that promise!! “I will restore TWICE as much to you.”
And then I came across these words. Written so long ago. Reminding me to give credit where credit is due.
“I will exalt you Lord, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me.
You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead; you spared me from going down to the pit.
Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people; praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favour lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
When I felt secure, I said, “I will never be shaken.”
Lord, when you favoured me, you made my royal mountain stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed.
To you, Lord, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy:
What is gained if I am silenced, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear Lord, and be merciful to me; Lord, be my help.
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.”