I am hesitant to post this one. But I will. As part of speaking out against mental illness, of opening the conversation around grief as well as understanding mental illness.
I didn’t know losing a child could result in PTSD.
I first encountered this term at my family doctor’s office about one month after losing Kohen. I was describing some weird reactions I was having to things that were really not that distressing…like jumping a mile high when I heard a loud noise, a small slide while driving in the snow (normal!) would have my fight or flight response cranked and I’d have to pull over and wait until I stopped shaking and my heart rate slowed down to normal. His response “yes, a bit of mild PTSD, understandable in this case.” Our counsellor also used that phrase “mild PTSD” so I went researching (reliable sites of course!).
The definitions I came across didn’t seem to really fit for me, they talked about exposure to violence, rape, horrific car accidents, war…none of which I’ve experienced. Further reading stated “something is traumatic when it is very frightening, overwhelming and causes a lot of distress. Trauma is often unexpected…associated with powerlessness. It could be an event or situation you yourself experience or one that happens to loved ones.”
I haven’t shared much of Kohen’s birth story. Part of his story is that while labour was very, very intense and difficult, I was reassured every step of the way that his heart rate was strong and he was doing fine. To the point where the team caring for us sometimes sounded surprised that he was doing so well with such a difficult labour.
Well. They were horribly wrong.
Until the minute Kohen made his entrance into the world, we had no idea.
He was born alive, heart beating…but was in serious trouble. He had aspirated large amounts of meconium during labour, and was unable to breathe at birth because it was completely blocking his airways. The docs were on it and cleared his airways quickly, but he did not begin to breathe on his own. They continued to attempt to resuscitate him…until his heart beat it’s last. The medical team working on Kohen felt if it was only meconium blocking his airway, they should have been able to revive him. Questions were raised and further investigations (autopsy) were carried out. We know more now, but may never know all the answers or fully understand what happened to our precious boy.
Kohen’s labour and birth were not traumatic in and of themselves. I was not worried for his safety beyond a few things I expressed, I was reassured by the team throughout and had complete faith and trust in their ability to bring my child safely into the world.
But then.
He entered the world without a sound, without a movement, without a breath. Heart beating…but barely. The shock and unexpectedness of delivering a baby who was in so much distress, the sounds of the medical team working furiously to save my precious baby’s life. This is my trauma.
In that room, during that hour…I was unable to watch. Maybe knowing those images would be scored into my brain if I allowed them in at all. I begged and pleaded with God, the one who created me and who created Kohen…to please please let his little heart continue to beat. To please breathe life giving breath into his lungs. But no. The most horrific phrase any mother could ever hear…”no spontaneous heart rhythm.”
And in that moment my heart shattered. I clung to hubby, unable to fully grasp…unable to fully understand..but knowing this precious boy would not be coming home with me. Knowing I would not get to see him move or open his eyes or hear his cry.
“PTSD causes intrusive symptoms such as re-experiencing the traumatic event. Many people have vivid nightmares, flashbacks or thoughts of the event that seem to come from nowhere. They often avoid things that remind them of the event – for example, someone who was hurt in a car crash might avoid driving.
PTSD can make people feel very nervous or ‘on edge’ all the time. Many feel startled very easily, have a hard time concentrating, feel irritable, or have problems sleeping well. They may often feel like something terrible is about to happen, even when they are safe.”
All of these things were true for me. As the shock of losing Kohen began to wear off, PTSD symptoms started to set in. I want to be very clear and indicate I suffer from MILD PTSD…it can be way way more disturbing and life altering than what I experienced.
I relived that hour of my life over and over and over. Whether I wanted to or not, I couldn’t stop thinking about it if I tried. Everywhere I went there were reminders of my loss or things that triggered my memory and put me right back in that hospital room. I started to stay home. And avoid visitors. Because everything I did or allowed in made me feel worse.
I took a course on coaching cross country skiing for five year olds (super fun!). We talked about emergency action plans. Turned out the words “emergency” “ambulance” and “doctor” were all triggers for unwanted flashbacks (even though an ambulance was in no way involved?!). A friend who is a nurse joined me on a walk, and her casually talking about work had me back in that hospital room again. A television show where someone needed a “dose of epi.”
I was startling all the time in ways not appropriate for the situation. I was so so so irritable and unable to reign my temper or reactions back. If Simon had a crash or fall I would feel quite panicky and completely over react…where I used to pride myself on not reacting at all when he fell and waiting to see what his response was. I couldn’t read anything because I couldn’t stay focussed and struggled severely with falling and staying asleep. I avoided all people with new babies (still do but not for reasons of avoiding trauma…some things are just too hard!), avoided situations or people that triggered flashbacks.
Grief is already hard. Losing a child is already impossibly hard. PTSD is hard. The combo is ridiculously hard.
Counselling and meeting with my family doctor were both very valuable resources in understanding and working through this illness. Getting outside to skate ski, run, hike, trying to practice good sleep habits…all the “taking care of yourself” stuff…so so valuable. The army of people praying for us…thank you!! My symptoms were mild on the continuum of PTSD and with support I was able to work through most of it and experience healing. I’m able to say now I feel most of those symptoms have disappeared.
Until the other night. This is a crazy one, one I did NOT expect. I have been struggling with prayer. From what I’ve heard from other baby loss parents, this is fairly normal following the loss of a child. Our pastor came to pray with us, and encouraged me to keep praying and to bring my requests before God…even if it’s a struggle. And as I sat and thought…just thought about asking God for healing of some of my post-partum issues…I was right back in that hospital bed again, pleading for Kohen’s life.
I had no idea…that prayer could be a trauma trigger?!? Kind of explains why I’ve been avoiding it.
So back to the work of grieving I guess. I have found that each time I’m exposed to a trigger it is a little less potent than the previous time, and eventually I am able to avoid the flashbacks and focus on staying present. I will continue to pray and work on bringing my requests before God…and find a way to work through this crazy weird trigger that hasn’t been dealt with yet.
PTSD info from: http://www.cmha.ca/mental_health/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/#.WLpFsYo77CQ
Kohen's Mom 